


hardest thing to do (loving you)

by groove_bunker



Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-01
Updated: 2013-09-01
Packaged: 2017-12-25 08:13:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/950779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/groove_bunker/pseuds/groove_bunker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nobody said it was going to be easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hardest thing to do (loving you)

“Angela, I need to talk to you about something.” Jane’s gone to bring in a suspect and Maura’s very aware of the time she doesn’t have to have this particular conversation with Angela, but who else could she speak to? She doesn’t know Suzie well enough and the men would have no sympathy for her predicament. She doesn’t want to speak to Constance on the phone and she doesn’t think Hope deserves to know such private details of her life when she barely knows anything about the other woman.

And god forbid she told Cailin about this.

“Yeah, sure, Maura, what’s up?” Angela smiles. Maura starts to begin to feel less nervous but still, this isn’t a conversation she’d imagined having with anyone in about a million years.

“Can we sit down?” Angela checks to see that Stanley has definitely gone for his lunch break (the other day, he waited just around the corner to spy on her) and then steps around the counter. It’s surprisingly quiet for midday at the Division One Cafe.

“You look stressed, Maura.”

“I think I’m in love with Jane.” Maura hadn’t meant to blurt it out _quite_ like that but hiding the truth is almost as hard as lying, only without the hives. Although her neck was beginning to feel a little itchy.

Angela sits there, one eyebrow cocked and Maura thinks she’s blown it. Not only has she divulged her biggest secret to another soul but she’s going to lose the closest thing she has to a proper family as well. She feels the tears brimming in her eyes and wills them not to fall.

“I think it was after seeing her with TJ, the way she looks at him like he’s the only thing that matters. I want her to look at our children like that, children we have made together. Even though that’s biologically impossible but still. ”

“Maura…” Maura holds up a hand and Angela doesn’t finish her sentence.

“And the way she looks when she’s talking about Casey…it makes me want to hunt him down and to tell him how lucky he is, that she thinks about him like that. I want to find him and punch him in the face for being such a…a…douchebag.”

“Maur-“

“I’ve never felt like this about anyone, Angela, and I know you’re Catholic and you probably don’t approve, but whatever happens, please don’t tell Jane.”

“Maura…I think it’s a little too late for that.”

“What?” Maura turns around to find Jane standing in the doorway of the café, her jaw practically on her chest.

Not that that would be possible, her jaw would actually have to fall off for that to happen, she thought, before realising that Jane must have heard everything she just said.

“Oh god…I’ll…I’ll just go.”

“No, Maura, wait…”

\---

_Maura, please, reply?_

_I’m not mad Maura, I just want to talk to you._

_I’m worried about you Maura._

_If you don’t reply soon, I’m going to let myself into your house and rearrange all your DVDs._

_C’mon Maur, please pick up the phone?_

Maura stares at the long list of messages. She’s been laying on the autopsy table with a pillow on her face for the past two hours, willing sleep to come or the ground to open up and take her to somewhere where the woman she’s in love with is in love with her and not some man who’s obsessed with his penis.

She supposes most men are obsessed with that particular part of her anatomy and Casey is better than most.

It doesn’t help.

She knows she should answer the phone or at least return one of the 27 missed calls she has from Jane and Angela. But what if they tell her they never want to see her again? Or Jane laughs at her because why would a woman like Jane even think about a woman like Maura?

She puts the pillow over her face again and screams into it. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This was why she never told anyone anything important because then bad things happen. She was going to lose her family, her best friend…everything that was important to her and for what? A stupid crush that she had let get out of hand.

“Maura, are you down here?” Frankie walks through the doors to find Maura on the table, “Why aren’t you picking up your cell? Ma’s crazy worried and I’m scared Jane might actually bite someone’s head off.”

“Don’t be silly, Frankie, that’s completely impossible. There’s not enough strength in the jaw muscles to bite clean through someone’s neck and in any case, Jane’s mouth just isn’t big enough. I’m the one with the big mouth.”

“Why don’t you come here and tell Uncle Frankie what happened? Have you and Janie had a fight?”

“No…no, nothing like that, although I wouldn’t blame her if she hated me.”

“What is going on? Ma and Janie were having a pretty heated discussion but they stopped when I came along.”

Maura takes the pillow off her face and throws it into the corner of the room.

“Well, seeing as most of the rest of your family know, I might as well tell you. I’m in love with Jane…I think. I was telling your mom in the café and Jane overheard me.” Maura loses the fight against her tears, “Now, I’m going to lose my family and my best friend.”

“You think?”

“Well…I don’t think your mom or Jane are going to want to have anything to do with me after this, and I guess if they don’t, you and Tommy won’t either.”

“Maura, excuse me for saying this, but for someone with such a high IQ, you are really dense.”

“Excuse me?” Maura sits up, the tears suddenly stopping.

“I’m pretty sure Jane has loved you since dinosaurs walked the earth and Mom would love nothing more than to make you _actual_ family. Not that she considers you as anything less.”

“But…what about Casey?”

“Jane probably thought you weren’t interested. You ever wonder why she tells you so much about him?”

“Because we’re best friends?”

“She wants to make you jealous. I watched her do it the _whole_ way through high school.”

“Seriously? Why didn’t she just tell me?”

“You’re talking about a woman who won’t let you take her to the hospital when she has a serious head wound. She won’t reveal anything that makes her look vulnerable, you know that.”

“She let me.”

“I think you’ll find that’s my point, Maura.”

\---

“Maura, thank god, you’re ok.”

Maura finds herself wrapped in Jane’s arms as soon as she opens the door.

Maybe she didn’t have to worry about losing her as much as she did.

Maybe Frankie’s right.

“Why didn’t you return my calls? I was worried sick, Maur.”

“I thought you might shout at me. Or laugh. I didn’t know what was worse.”

“Maura, I’m not mad. And I’d never laugh at you.”

“I’d laugh at me. I’m stupid; I should have never told anyone about this.”

“You shoulda told me.” Jane’s let Maura go now, and she’s looking at her with the concerned look in her eyes that Maura loves so much. She’s never felt more cared for in her life than when Jane looks at her like that.

 “Why? So you could have told me you were straight, but we can still be friends?”

“No, so I coulda done this.” Then Jane leans forward and kisses Maura on the lips, gently, slowly. Maura’s just about melting at the slight contact and she’s not sure she can remember how to breathe. She thanks a god she doesn’t believe in that breathing is an involuntary action for a second before Jane pulls back.

“Jane…”

“Wait a second, because if I don’t say this now, I’ll never have the courage to again. I think I’ve loved you from the night you asked me if I’d ever liked the same guy as my best friend. I realised that maybe I did, but I liked my best friend more. You made me feel so safe that night, when I was so scared, and…I dunno Maura. You’re amazing. I was just scared you were too amazing to even look at me.”

“And Casey?”

“I love Casey too, but not like I love you. I’m not saying this is easy. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do; loving you.”

“I was scared too; that a woman like you would never look at a woman like me.”

“Have you looked in a mirror lately? Maura, you’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever met, you’re smart and accomplished and funny and beautiful and you piss me off like you would not believe but still, I think I love you.”

“So what are we going to do?”

“I don’t know, Maura, I really don’t. Can we take it slowly, a step at a time?”

“I think I’d like that.”

 

 


End file.
